Can we PLEASE agree on a shorthand-version of the band's name? What do they call themselves? Every time I see TOAD or ToaD I half expect to see "the Wet Sprocket" next to it.

[Oh God, does that make me old? When did THAT happen?]

My vote's for Theory. It's neat, clean and grammatically-correct. If you look at the spine of an S&S CD case (damn it! what's next? I'm going to say "album"?!?), you'll see the word "Theory" and little else.

I am drawing a line in the sand here, people. Do you like theories or toads?

All of you who, as I, are proud U.S. citizens can now see the video for "So Happy" on YouTube WITHOUT the disappearing links.

For, you see, Roadrunner Records has posted its own version:

ON YOUTUBE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4QS5n4BiyA

ON RR'S SITE: http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/video/showVideo.aspx?fileID=3374

Roadrunner's own-site version the best quality you're gonna get online, so enjoy it. ESPECIALLY if you're an American...

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

The following post contains all manner of bad language, sexual suggestions and everything else that makes Theory of a Deadman (hell, LIFE) one of my favorite past times. Parental discretion is REQUIRED. Yes, even for you. You owe your folks a call anyway, so you may as well get it over with now.

OK, here we go:

This is a character-by-character transcription (including ALL punctuation and line breaks) of the lyrics for Theory of a Deadman’s “Scars & Souvenirs” album AS THEY APPEAR IN THE HAND-WRITTEN LINER NOTES [though the "bad" words have been changed by the net nannies].

Yes, there are some things that don’t match exactly with the actual songs, but such are the vagaries of the music publishing biz. There is also a GREAT deal of wonky punctuation, spelling, line breaks, etc. that made this professional editor and writer CRINGE. All I’m offering is EXACTLY what the band put out in its CD liner notes, period.

I have yet to find a correctly “translated” lyric sheet online for ANY album, but rest assured, this is copied letter-for-letter from the band’s own CD insert (so take any problems up with them). My only changes were to add a “[sic]” (editor nerd mark) beside the most grievous errors.

I should probably also mention that I’m doing this “editing” as a fan, not as someone with ANY official ties to the band (unfortunately). Not only did I not make any money on doing this, I actually SPENT money (on the disc and by typing on my boss’s time).

So if you were charged for these lyrics, it wasn’t by me. [Of course, those thieves’d probably just clip this part off anyway, but I still felt compelled to mention it.]

Got it? Good. Now that the “legal” obligations are out of the way, enjoy. I know I did.

[Oh, and if you’d like the Rich Text version of this list—(with all the fancy formatting I worked so hard on before I realized that it’d all disappear in a web post)—you can reach me via email drewsdriven@gmail.com.] -->and “db” can you fill me in on your library of rare Theory songs? You can use that email address, too. Thanks!<--

©2008 All lyrics copyright Tyler Connolly (and anybody else who was lucky enough to write with him)

“So Happy” Put the bottle down finally got something to say Take another look around + find someone else to play

(Needless to say) that you’ve got problems (No f**kin way) that I’m gonna solve ‘em (It’s never the same) every time you slip then you fall down, down, down

Ever wonder what I been thinkin’ about. I been thinkin ‘bout throwin’ U out

I’m so happy how ‘bout you (I’m fed up, so get up + get out) I’m so happy now we’re through (I’m fed up, so get up + get out) I was so afraid but now yer [sic] gone away Sent U packin, look who’s laughin now I’m so happy that I feel this way I’m so happy that I threw U away

Put your problems down + pick up what’s left of the pain Take a good look at yourself + see who’s really to blame

(Needless to say) you’ve got issues (No f**kin way) that I’m gonna fix you (It’s never the same) every since you had fallen down, down, down

Ever wonder what I’ve Been thinkin about. I been thinkin ‘bout Throwin’ you out.

I’m so happy how ‘bout you (I’m fed up, so get up + get out) I’m so happy now we’re through (I’m fed up, so get up + get out) I was so afraid but now yer [sic] gone away — sent you packing Look who’s laughing now I’m so happy that I feel this way I’m so happy that I threw you away!

“By the way” [sic] a note by the door simply explains, It's all that remains it's no wonder why I have not slept in days. Dust on the floor Piled up from the years, all those scars + souvenirs Now that you're gone its easy to see But so hard to believe

CH. By the way, you left without saying goodbye to me. Now that you're gone away, all I can think about is you and me, you and me

It's not like before, you’ve left nothing here. it's all disappeared It hurts me to see that we've been a lie. Would it have hurt you to try?

CH.

Bridge It's sad to say that this pain is killing me inside but it's sad to say that this pain is keeping me alive Twisting and turning it rips through my heart. It's been tearing me apart

CH.3 By the way, you left without saying goodbye to me. Now that you're gone away, all I can think about is you + me, you + me All I can think about is you and me, you and me X2

“Got It Made” Theres no time for a suitcase Just grab a quick change of clothes. You ask where we’re going now honey. Well, id tell ya but nobody knows. So sneak out the back door cuz you know they’ll try to make you stay. Make sure you gotta a [sic] seatbelt on cuz were [sic] heading for the interstate.

CHORUS We’re having the best time living the fast life Thinking were [sic] just too young to die Ain’t waiting for next time to see all the Bright lights, to see it all. We’ll drive in the fast lane out on the freeway tell us to slow down starts a car chase. As long as we’ve got each other we’ve got it made.

Pulled over to the side of the road Going skinny dipping in the dark. Must’ve left the radio on We had to push the car to get it to start Cruising down on sunset. Then went racing up Mohulland [sic] drive. There we stopped at the world oh, I never felt so alive

—— CHORUS ——

Now we’re running on empty we’ve got no place to go We’ve been sleeping in the back seat Just waiting for the sun to show Low on cash, the tape deck’s broke Thinking of heading home But I can tell by the smile on your face That we’ve still got miles to go.

we’ve got it made we’ve got it made

“Not Meant to be” [sic] Its never enough to say i'm sorry It's never enough to say I care But i'm caught between what you wanted from me, and knowing if I give that to you I might just disappear.

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

oh, it’s like —

one step forward + two steps back No matter what I do you're always mad and I can't change your mind, [”oh” scribbled out]

Oh, it’s like —

Trying to turn around on a one way street I can't give you what you want and it's killing me and I, I'm starting to see maybe we're not meant to be

It's never enough to say I love you No, it's never enough to say I try Its hard to believe that's there’s no way out for you and me and it seem [sic] to be, the story of our life

Nobody wins when everyone's losing

It's like one step forward + two steps back No matter what I do you're always mad and I can't change your mind, oh It’s like trying to turn around on a one way street. I can't give you what you want and it's killing me and I, im starting to see that maybe we're not meant to be

There's still time to turn this around should we be building this up instead of tearing it down But I keep thinking maybe it's too late.

It's like one step forward and two steps back, No matter what I do you're always mad and I can't change your mind, oh It's like tryin to turn around on a one way street I can't give you what you want and it's killing me and I, [”I” scribbled out] I finally see, baby we're not meant to be

“CRUTCH” Please can I go home now, I can barely stay awake But you sit there with your pride and kill us all. You have so much fun now trying to bend me till I break and I just set myself up to take the fall. Your eyes are black as tar and to look at you is hard But I’m just too afraid to look away. Misery loves company and here you stand in front of me. Just please don’t ask me to stay

So, who do you trust? Now that you need me to get through the day I’m asking too much. To have you hear what I have to say So I say

CHORUS Help me [comma scratched out] help you, I’m down on my knees If you need me so much then why did you leave You need a reason, you needed too much. You can lean on me, but don’t lean on me like im your crutch.

You never started loving me so you could never quit I could rule this f**kin world and you’d still think I’m shit You’ve turned your back on me, have no family In the end the devil gets what he deserves

So, who do you trust now that you need me to get through the day? I’m asking too much, to have you hear what I have to say

So I say

CHORUS 2

please help me. please help me please help me. please help me

“All or Nothing” When I first saw you standing there, you know, was a little hard not to stare. So nervous when i drove you home, I know, being apart’s a little hard to bear. Sent some flowers to your work, in hopes That I’d have you in my arms again. We kissed that night before I left, still now it was something I could never forget.

—- You've got all that I need -—

Looking at all or nothing Babe it`s you and I, with you I know that i’m good for something so let’s go + give it a try. We’ve got our backs against the ocean, it`s just us against the world. Looking at ALL [sic] or nothing, babe it`s you and I. Looking at ALL or nothing, babe it`s you and I.

Let’s take a chance, go far away, today and never look back again. Since I said I loved you in Las vegas. It`s never been the same since then.

—- You've got all that I need -—

CHORUS 2

This is it, nothing to hide, one more kiss, never say goodbye. This is it, baby you’re all mine. *Breakdown* Looking at all or nothing, babe it`s you + I, I know that im good for something so let’s go and give it a try. Got our backs against the ocean, it`s just us against the world

CHORUS 3

“Heaven” (Little by Little) Now don't you be afraid we can always talk about No need to medicate cuz I know you're strong without it You got me through the days When I thought I couldn't face it Let me count the ways The love we have you can’t replace it

Just hold on, I'm not that strong There's a little piece of heaven Right here where you are The fact that you keep trying is what sets you [spaces sic] apart Help me find the reason and I'll help you find the way to get rid of all your pain Little by little, day by day

Now, you're far away and Im alone to cry about it It's not a better place, when you die and leave me here to say

Hold on, I was never that strong

There's a little piece of heaven Right here where you are The fact that you keep trying is what sets you apart Help me find the reason and I'll help you find the way to get rid of all your pain Little by little, day by day

You'll get stronger if you need me, I'm not far away So, just hold on I'll help you find a way I'll help you find the way

There's a little piece of heaven Right here where you are The fact that you keep trying is what sets you apart Help me find the reason and I'll help you find the way to get rid of all your pain Little by little, day by day

“Bad Girlfriend” My Girlfriend’s a dick magnet My Girlfriend’s gotta have it She's hot, can’t stop, upon [sic] stage, doing shots, Tip the man he'll ring the bell, get her drunk she'll scream like hell. Dirty girl, gettin' down, dance w/guys from outta town. Grab her ass, actin' tough. Mess with her, she'll f**k U up. No one really knows if she's drunk or if she's stoned, but she's comin' back to my place tonite!

OH She likes 2 [sic] shake her ass She grinds it to the beat She likes to pull my hair when I make her grind her teeth I like to Strip her down She's naughty to the end You know what she is, no doubt about it— She's a BAD, BAD GIRLFRIEND !

Red thong, Party's on, Love this song, sing along. Come together, leave alone, see U later back at home Noone really knows if she’s drunk or is she's stoned but she's Coming back 2 my place 2nite [sic]. I say No one really knows Just how far she’s Gonna go, but I’m gonna find out later tonite

—— CHorus —— [sic]

Bridge Doesn't take her long to make things right. But does it make her wrong to have the time of her life. the time of her life My Girlfriend’s a dick magnet My Girlfriend’s gotta have it

Shes a Gold digger Now U figure out its over, pull the trigger. Futures finished, there it went, Savings gone, the money spent

I look around + all i see is, no good, bad + ugly, man shes hot + fixed to be, the future ex-Miss Connolly!

—— CHorus —— [sic]

“Hate my life” [sic] So sick of the hobos always begging for change I don't like how I gotta work and they just sit around and get paid I hate all of the people who can't drive their cars. Bitch you better get outta the way before I start falling apart

I hate how my wife is always up my ass She always wants to buy brand new things but I don't have the cash.

CHORUS I hate my job, all of my rich friends I hate everyone to the bitter end. Nothing turns out right There's no end in sight I hate my life ! [sic]

How come I never get laid Nice guys always lose. How could she have another headache There's always some kind of excuse I still hate my job, my boss is a dick “I don't get paid nearly enough to put up with all of your shit”

—— chorus ——

I hate that I can't tell when a girl's underage, You know, I tell her she's a nice piece of ass, then her daddy punches me in the face

So if you're pissed like me Bitches, here's what you gotta do Put your middle fingers up in the air Go on and say “F**k you!”

—— chorus ——

So much at stake, can't catch a break I hate my life No, it’s nothing new hearing “sucks to be you” I f**kin hate my life

“Little Smirk” if heaven is the place where the angels go Well then, I gotta story to tell if heaven is a place where the angels go Then I guess you’re going straight to hell

Don't wanna leave you no never cuz we're perfect together never wanna be apart. Dared to take on the simple life, There was trouble for us when I came home early Never would expect to see this, It’s fair to say "Could not believe my eyes"

You cracked a smile but had nothing to say So, I made a list of how you're gonna pay

CHORUS I locked you out left you naked in the front yard Burned all your clothes having nothing can be really hard Now I’m on the run I'd do it all again So catch [word scribbled out] me if you can cuz I took your car with your baby in the back seat Wracked your credit card You're in debt to a dead beat Maybe now you know how much it hurt When I caught you in the act wearing nothing but a little smirk

Now I feel better, but it’s hard to forget I never think of lookin back Cuz time has no meaning when you’re free This is what you get. Karma bitch Now I see what you really are cuz, happiness is the best revenge

Caught red handed with a grin on your face Didnt think you'd be so easy to replace

CHORUS

again and again and again .. .. [sic]

If heaven is the place where the angels go well then Ive gotta a [sic] story to tell If heaven is a place where the angels go then I know im going straight to hell

CHORUS

wearing nothing but a little smirk

“End of the Summer” Here we are, at the end Say goodbye to all of your friends Here we go watching the sun go ‘round Sitting on a rooftop, making time stop I never wanna come back down I never wanna come back down

CH. It’s the end of the summer. It’s the end of it all Those days are gone, it’s over now, we’re moving on It’s the end of the summer, but we’ll see it all again So hold onto this moment till then, It’s the end of the summer

Here we stand, in the middle of an empty street Tell me where you wanna go, I’ll tell you “that’s where I wanna be”

Say goodbye to the warm breeze. We could be almost anywhere. I’ll miss you, ‘till the next time, I hope I see you there. I hope I see you back here

It’s the end of the summer, it’s the end of it all Those days are gone, it’s over now, we’re moving on It’s the end of the summer, but we’ll see it all again So hold onto this moment till then, It’s the end of the summer End of the summer

Ride’s almost over, it’s getting colder take on [sic] last look before it passes by Before it passes you by

It’s the end of the summer It’s the end of it all Those days are gone, it’s over now, we’re movin on It’s the end of the summer, But we’ll see it all again So hold onto this moment ‘till then It’s the end of the summer

“Wait for me” [sic] You are not alone tonight Imagine me there, by your side It's so hard to be here So far away from you I’m counting the days 'till I'm finally done I’m counting them down Yeah one by one It feels like forever 'till I return to you

But it helps me on those lonely nights Its that one thing that keeps me alive Knowing that you —

wait for me Ever so patiently No one else knows that feeling inside We hang up on the phone without saying goodnight cuz it's the sound of your voice that brings me home

Cuz it's never been easy to say but it's easier when I’ve gone away Knowing that you

wait for me Ever so patiently Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and it's everything I need from you Just knowing that you wait for me

What I'd give, what I'd do Knowing I’m not there for you makes it so hard to leave what I'd give, what I'd do anything to get me home to you this time i'll stay

And you wait for me Ever so patiently Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and it's everything I need from you Just knowing that you wait for me

“Sacrifice” No, I don’t need a reason to be breathing Just here doing what I can No, I don’t want a family who would curse me and resent everything I am. I don’t need to prove to all the ones who feel that I need to fit in. No, I won’t ever tell U [sic] that I failed U I’d rather start life over again.

No Im sorry to say there’ll be no sacrifice today

No, I can see it clearly, why U fear me why you gotta bring me down No, I don’t wanna fight U, just despite U But I’m not afraid to take U out

No I’m sorry to say there’ll be no sacrifice today

CHORUS Everybody expects me to break But I’ll never breakdown again Everybody expects me to give up But you’ll never see me giving in Everybody wants me to lose But I’ll never lose who I am No, I’m sorry to say there’ll be no sacrifice today

No, I’m sorry to say there’ll be no sacrifice today

Everybody expects me to break But I’ll never break down again Everybody expects me to give up But [word scribbled out] you’ll never see me giving in Everybody wants me to lose But I’ll never lose who I am

No, I’m sorry to say there’ll be no sacrifice today No, I’m sorry to say there’ll be no sacrifice today

_________________

“Bonus tracks” lyrics to follow (no liner notes on those)... .

Though I may try a double-header and hit BOTH shows, I wanted to know if anyone's been to either of these places and has a preference (in case I can only go to one:

"The Machine Shop" in Flint (April 15) and "Motorhead's Bar & Grill" in Michigan Center (April 16).

Thanks!

That sound you DON'T hear is Theory's own website doing absolutely NOTHING about the fact their new album is out there.

Apart from the counter not counting anymore, we're still stuck on a three-song preview and "to preorder...".

No offense, but I thought the internet was supposed to make these things easier and faster to post. But what do I know. I still work for a newspaper...